The simplest of things make me tear up and cry. Paige O’Hara’s voice in Beauty and the Beast, remembering my Grandpa during his healthy days, realizing that my mom and all my siblings are continents away from me and white bar soap. Who cries when they see a bar of white soap? I do… and I really don’t understand why I’m like that.
One time, my mom and I were talking over Facetime and just like that, I cried again. She was telling me a story about my niece who I haven’t seen for 7 years. I think it was longing to see her or the love that I have for her which made me sad – I haven’t been there for her physically and it made me teary-eyed.
My mom stopped and she shifted into this seemingly cold mood. “This is not good, Lena.”, she said. “What’s wrong with you? You are not usually like this. Something is up. Tell me.” She is so bossy and I don’t really open up with her. She’s my mom and not my sister or friend that I can say things to. The thought lingered for minute because she’s right – what’s wrong with me?
I just told her that there is absolutely nothing wrong with me and that I am fine. “I just miss Shaila, mom. I haven’t even seen her in person which means you guys have been gone for 8 years. It’s like I’ve missed so much of my niece’s life. I’ve missed so much of all of you.” That last sentence caused my voice to break. My breathing became heavy and it’s like I’m close to gasping for air.
She knew me too well and gave me a quizzing look. “Is it Trevor?”, she said. When I heard her say my husband’s name, well, my ex-husband’s name, I croaked. “Mom, I have to go. I love you. Talk to you later.”, and I clicked END.
Trevor… the lump on my throat was forming and I couldn’t swallow. My eyes were watery again and my breathing, it’s not helping at all. This heart of mine was thumping out of my chest and even if I was alone in the room, I could hear it – ba-gag, ba-gag, ba-gag! Is this panic? Am I panicking? I am so stressed out!
What is wrong with me??? Am I not over Trevor? It’s been a year and he’s clearly moved on. So, why haven’t I? Is he the reason why I’m always crying?
My iPhone buzzed and it was my mom. She sent me a text message. When I opened it, her message said: “It’s ok my darling child. I’ve been there too, you know that. It is the most painful thing in the whole world. Losing your husband to another woman and mourning the death of your marriage – it is sad and tragic. Can you do something for me?”
I replied, “What do you want, mom?”. I even put a smiley face. A poor attempt to mask my pains.
“Remember when I was about to drink the whole bottle of sleeping pills when your dad left me?”, she said.
“How can I forget your suicide attempt, mom?”. This time, I let my tears flow freely.
“You were only 10 years old and at that tender age, you knew that what I was about to do wasn’t good. And so, you came up to me and hugged me. You said, don’t leave me mom.”, my mom messaged.
“So now I’m going to say, stay with me my child. I need you, I love you and because you’re a part of my world, I want you to contact BetterHelp. If you don’t want to talk to me, at least, try and talk to any of their counselors. They don’t have to see you. They don’t have to know what you look like or you don’t even have to give them your real name. Just talk to them about anything and everything. The therapists are certified and available 24 hours a day and 7 days a week. I’ll pay for this. Can you stay with me and do this please?”, she said.
If my mom thinks I need help, then, who am I to question her? “Ok, mom. I’ll stay. I love you too.” I then proceeded to click the link she sent me and I think, that’s the best decision I’ve ever made in fixing up myself.